Marriage | laborofwonder

ISO: Coffee IV

by motherofwonder

Yesterday, I used the humor that is my daughter to drag myself through the day, and put me in a better mood. Today, however, I will be inserting a coffee IV to simply keep me alive. I have no gotten more than 5 hrs of sleep at night for the last month, with only one exception. Last Friday, Littlest E slept through the night and I only woke once with a coughing fit. My allergies have been worse this year than they have in the last couple, and when they were at their worst, we had several dust and plaster filled projects going on that left their particles to settle in my lungs. The last two weeks Littlest E has gotten two of his molars in (One on top and one on the bottom- on opposite sides. For some reason, I find this weird.) and therefore has been waking every half hour after midnight, and due to the dust in my lungs, I was spending the first couple hours coughing and trying to get comfortable. I’d finally fall asleep just in time to be woken by a cranky little man. And, despite the state my home is currently in, I have been up until waaaay toooo late cleaning multiple times a week, for the last month. So short story made long and boring- I’m tired. So very tired.

We were supposed to have someone coming to the house for an inspection this morning and so I ran frantically yesterday (we didn’t get the notice until right before I left for a weekend away) trying to unpack and clean… with two children (MissE and Littlest E) who are either having allergies or are coming down with something. So as much as I could do with two little ones who don’t feel good (especially considering one is just over a year… and therefore becoming a stage 5 “clinger”). And then I stayed up until 1:30am cleaning. Or attempting to, in my sleep exhausted state. Staying up when I’m that tired is really kind of pointless, because I move in such slow motion. I finally climb into bed and just as I drift off, littlest E wakes up and is not happy. He remains unhappy until almost 6, and then sleeps until about 7:45ish. I then rush around doing a final clean up before the 9:30 appointment, only to find out that it’s been cancelled.

It’s only 11 and I’ve already endured 3 hours of pretty constant whining and have only had a brief reprieve from having multiple children (simultaneously) try and form themselves to my leg. I finally get Littlest to release his vice grip on my leg, so I can attempt and get something productive done… only to turn around and have him run screaming to me. When he settles I finally see what’s going on… there was a bucket that still had some paint left in it, without being sealed shut. He had eaten some, had it smeared all over his face and hands, along with his brand new clothes. And it’s not all over one of my favorite shirts and one of my 2 pairs of jeans that actually fit.

I clean him, and myself, as much as can, and feed him (to get rid of the paint taste if nothing else). And while he’s content to play for a moment, I grab the computer looking for a moment of reprieve. Only to find that Hubbyman has messaged me to tell me he’s going out to happy hour with some vendors from work tonight and that Friday they’re going on a “booze cruise” (a paddle boat ride around one of the rivers) as a work outing. I’ve decided I’m not going to respond until I’ve gotten at least 10 hours of sleep. At this rate, I will be responding in late December.

I no longer track my sleep by how many hours I get (why would I when the number is so low and scary, like last nights >2?), but by how many cups of coffee will be needed to keep me awake. Today, I will be requiring an IV.

What do you do when you’ve gotten no sleep after multiple nights?

Family Life According To Me Marriage

Leave a comment »

Ugh.

by motherofwonder

Since I missed it this week (and maybe the week before too! Yikes!), I’m going to start with a couple things I’m REALLY thankful for!

Family!
My lovely children!
My hardworking hubby!
My project oriented hubby!
My willing and able brother! (he was hubbyman’s painting partner)
My in-laws! We love to go to their house and it’s so wonderful to spend time with them.
My sister-in-law got her medical assistance approved (my brother and his wife are missionaries)
A hubby who can anticipate my needs- there was creamer in the fridge when I woke up!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming (ha!):

I want to blog. I like to write. I love to talk. The problem is, I’m having a difficult time actually doing it. Somewhere in between the 3 children, the husband, the laundry, the cooking, the painting (we have vaulted ceilings that were in dire need of painting… not fun. Poor hubbyman.)… and we have someone coming to the house TOMORROW and I was gone all weekend. So the house is covered in paint, tools, and toys.

I spend lots of time thinking about the things I want to say… but when it comes to taking “time out” to do it… I’m not so disciplined. I’m needing to work on a better schedule I think, or better time management at least. I took the kids to my in-laws this weekend for some Grandma & Papa time (an added bonus was then I didn’t have to keep the kids out of the way during painting, or have smell the paint fumes!) and it was nice to “get away.” We did some shopping (for necessary winter gear as we could have snow this month), lots of playtime, and Big E even helped me make super, super yummy Fallen Souffle Cupcakes! It was so fun to have the time and space to do some of these fun things with my little ones that sometimes I miss out on because I’m too busy with the daily grind.

My hope it work super hard this week getting things done (and cleaned!) and organized!!! And the final painting will hopefully be finished next weekend… and then I can get a much better schedule implemented where I’m doing fun things like baking with the kids and making you laugh… those are important things, you know! (*smile*)

In the meantime, anyone have a place they go for really great redecorating or (re)arranging furniture?

Family Life According To Me Marriage Thankful Fridays

1 Comment »

The Decade (Since September 2001)

by motherofwonder

Now I know that today is not September 11th, but with all the talk about the Ten Year Anniversary, it certainly has had me thinking about it. Where we you that September moment? Just getting into your work day? Settling into history class? Maybe even still sleeping? Chances are you know where you were. I was a freshman in college. I remember the noise of the students milling around all talking at once. I didn’t know what was going on…sitting in English class a TV was rolled in and we watched with horror as Tower One burned and cried as we watched Tower Two get hit as well.

Maybe your life wasn’t drastically altered that day, or maybe it changed your life completely. I felt heartbroken and saddened. And watched as 3 classmates left school and went home to visit their families that were now forever altered. Along with countless other classmates that joined the Reserves. My life may not have been immediately altered, but it certainly was in the years that followed.

My dear hubbyman was a bit of a wildman in those days… but he shortly decided he wanted a different road. He has a definite sense of responsibility, and knew that no one else in his group of friends would, so he enlisted. I certainly didn’t know that September morning that a few short years later I would end up being a military spouse.

Even if your life was not directly affected. You didn’t lose a family member, you didn’t enlist yourself for active duty or join the weekend warriors… but it has been ten years. A whole decade. Your life cannot be the same as it was a decade ago, can it? Mine certainly isn’t! I was 18, a college student, a head full of ideas and a heart full of dreams… today I am 25 (yeah, don’t do the math…ha!), I have been married for almost 7 yrs, I have been a parent for almost 5 years, I have 3 children… In some aspects I am nothing like the girl who watched with eyes glued that morning. And in other aspects I am just a better (maybe?) grown up version of that girl. One who’s ideas and beliefs have been tried and tested, one who’s faith has had to hold her up through real heartbreak, and someone who’s vision of life and humanity has been forced to evolve as I have grown and experienced life these last ten years.

At 18, I surely thought I was “grown,” but let’s face it, being an adult has less to do with age and more to do with life experience and maturity. I now have passionate opinions about things I never would have imagined. I have lived and learned, hurt and healed, loved and lost loved ones. I’ve borne three beautiful, healthy children and I’ve held the hand of a grandmother in her final days. I’ve lost touch with a few friends over those years, and reunited with others. I’ve learned how to be myself and that it’s ok to choose your family. In the scheme of things ten years seems like such a short amount of time, but since that fateful day my life has changed by leaps and bounds.

My heart still aches for everyone connected with September 11th and all that has happened in the years to follow, both here and overseas. I wish them peace and pray for blessings in their lives. I certainly hope that the next ten years are filled with more peace than we’ve seen collectively this last decade. I hope that my next decade is filled with as much love, laughter, and life as the last decade has.

2001

GOALS FOR THE NEXT DECADE:

Finally finish my masters!
Raise happy, healthy, responsible children (ones who love each other and of course me too!)
Travel
Take a cooking class, or two, or three…
Be more accepting of myself and be better about taking time for myself
Write more
Find my “dream job” even if it means inventing it!
Revisit the places I’ve lived in my life
Build a home to retire in
Go on a honeymoon before our 20 year mark! (And of course, enjoy each other along the way!)

Family Life According To Me Marriage

Leave a comment »

Just So Ya Know

by motherofwonder

So there’s been a lot of talk around here (and by around here, I mean me, with my blah-blah-blogging) about being in a funk… well, I still feel a little bit that way, but I am crawling my way out of it. Thanks in no small part to some sweetheart of friends, family, and of course my sweetheart of a man, the hubbyman. Encouraging words have been spoken, hugs have been given, fun has been had, and while I’m still feeling my way out, I’m finding more and more about who I am, what I stand for, what I won’t stand for, and how better to support my friends and how to best let them support me as well!

When I was discussing my funk with a girlfriend, I told her how I was feeling tied down by the worry over whether or not someone would take something I said personally (like it was said about them) or that they would be offended by my words (should we happen to have different opinions). She gave me these great words, Let people choose to read your words and what they do with them; don’t let them choose the words you say or how you feel. (Unless of course you have topic ideas- I’m totally down for that!) And then she added, Besides, if they knew you they would know that you were just trying to be supportive while talking in general. You would never call someone out like that. You aren’t *itchy enough. (Please don’t all jump out of your seats at once to disagree with her… we all occassionally have those tendencies, ok?!) But for the most part, she’s right… I haaaaaatttttttteee stirring the pot, conflict, confrontation… hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

So here it is, or here I am, in my simplest form, or my most complex… either way, just know that if I’m just stating my OPINION, I’ll admit that. If I’m stating a FACT, I’ll say that. If I’m stating a BELIEF, I’ll own that as well. I welcome everyone’s input, advice, words of wisdom, and maybe even a little constructive criticism. (Just be gentle.) Know that my words are my own, my thoughts are my own, my beliefs are my own… obviously they’re the right ones (for me!!), but…hey, they’re mine. So take my words to heart, take them as lessons, take them as a way of passing time, take them to the bank… or leave them. I’ve been on paths others didn’t understand (and frankly, there are certainly things and beliefs in my life that even those closest to me wouldn’t necessary understand) and I am not judging your path. I just am someone who wants to lighten the load by offering my support whenever possible. I am not going to be the end all solution, for anyone- not even myself! And that is certainly not what this blog is about. I am not going to always say the right thing, do the right thing, and heaven knows I’m probably not going to wear the right thing (because that would mean I’d have to get out of my pajamas!). But what I do have is 3 children, some good ideas, some mediocre ones, an extensive background in early childhood education along with family studies (I know, I went to school to be a mom! *shakes head/rolls eyes*), a keen sense of what can be thrown into a pot and actually taste good, a sense of humor, and a caring heart. So even if you take my words as just another mom rant, just know that somewhere in between all the lines is the heart of a woman who just wants to be comfortable in her own shoes and maybe even help someone (anyone!) else to feel a little comfortable in theirs.

Family Life According To Me Marriage Things You Should Say

2 Comments »

Friday! Friday!

by motherofwonder

I am SOOOOOOOOOO thankful it’s Friday!! Ok, so I’m pretty much always thankful when Friday finally decides to roll around, but today I feel particularly relieved! And today the thing I’m really, really, super duper thankful for is: THE BUNK BED IS GOING IN ON SATURDAY!!! It has been a LOOONG process (it’s been going on since JUNE). Lots of late nights, lots of long weekends (where I take the kids places and keep them out of hubbyman’s hair so that he can work on it)…. I am so glad we’re finally here! Plus, I was all set to order all the new bedding (because the kids are all switching bedding, which mean 3x new bedding! yikes!) online, when I thought, Maybe I’ll just run and check and see if I can find anything on clearance before I order it… and low and behold, I sure did! It’d kind of a big deal, because the kid’s rooms are decorated matching their bedding. Miss E has a twin bed with an owl comforter and owl stuff on her walls…. and Big E has a full size monkey bed with animals all over his wall. Well, now Miss E is getting Big E’s full bed, and Big E and Littlest E will each have twin beds, in the bunk bed. (Which means we also have to buy another twin bed) Anyhow, I didn’t want to redo Miss E’s room completely, but it worked out, because I found bedding for less than what I’d hoped, plus a few extra’s that were on sale due to it being “dorm room season” for the bedding world! Score one for me! Or three! I will post pictures when it’s in the rooms… but here’s what we have so far.

Stairs leading up to the top bunk. Stairs flip up for storage!

Stairs and conductors booth (the bed part will be attached to the booth)

Inside the conductors booth! (There's now also a rope ladder to get up the hatch to the top bunk)

Thomas the Train (as painted by my hubbyman)

Family Life According To Me Marriage Thankful Fridays

5 Comments »

Things You Should Say (To Your Partner)

by motherofwonder

I was looking at my other “Things You Should Say…” posts (you can read them here and here) while I was listening to the Brad Paisley/Carrie Underwood song, Remind Me, and it got me thinking. I’m sure in no small part due to last week’s visit to the place where I met hubbyman (and where we shared our first kiss – 14 years ago!), that I was thinking about our relationship all those years ago in comparison to where it is now. Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to have our relationship to be what it was when we were teenagers, and I’m thankful for the relationship we have now. But after 14 years of…us, almost 7 years of marriage, and 3 children… maybe we could use some reminders.

Remember our first year of marriage, and you gave me flowers every month (Starting with 11 daisies -my favorite- and one rose, then 10 daisies and 2 roses, etc. as the months continued. Ending with all roses on our one year anniversary.)? Remind me that you still think I’m special.
Remember when you used to spend hours MAKING me a card that would look like a piece of art? Remind me that I’m still worth the energy of making the extra effort.
Remember when you worked nights and I worked days and I would go to sleep at 7 so that I could wake up at 1am just to watch an hour of TV with you on the couch. Remind me that I’m worth your time.
Remember when you filled every vase and glass in the house with daisies, just because. Remind me that you’re still thinking of me.
Remember when I’d be waiting at the door when you came home from work (without a baby in arms)? Remind me of when we used to be so excited to see each other we’d be counting down the minutes.
Remember when we moved into the townhouse and the Navy hadn’t delivered our stuff yet (and we had nothing!) so we’d have movie nights in the computer room (on the computer) while sitting in our camping chairs. Remind me that you just want to spend time with me, no matter what we’re doing.
Remember when Big E was a baby and you’d rush home and insist on taking him and holding him? Remind me that you enjoy co-parenting with me.
Remember when you used to take the Big Es to the park so I could get some things done in peace and quiet. Remind me of when we used to value each other’s alone time.
Remember when we’d always go to bed together, at the same time?! Remind me of when I was worth staying awake for.
Remember when we used to get dressed up and go on dates that I didn’t have to plan? Remind me that I’m still the one you’d choose if you were choosing again today.

I think the longer you are with someone, and children only triple that number, the easier it becomes to get complacent in our relationships. You get in a routine and a rhythm and you forget the energy and excitement of when you were consistently keeping your other half in the forefront of your thoughts. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is going down the drain (and I certainly don’t think that/feel that way about mine!!), but every relationship worth having, is worth maintaining!

Family Life According To Me Marriage Things You Should Say

Leave a comment »

Thankful on A Monday?

by motherofwonder

This last week I have successfully: gone to family camp with my little brother (15+ years younger) and my 3 children…without hubbyman. And we survived! And had a good time to boot! While I would have loved to have been there the whole time (We went for 3 of the 6 days), I think it was the perfect amount for us. Long enough to feel like we really got to enjoy ourselves and all the friends that we primarily only get to see at this yearly event, but short enough that I managed to survive the sleep exhaustion you incur when you sleep on bunk beds (that were old when I was my kids’ ages) that have been pushed together to accommodate all of us, along with the late nights and early mornings. I’m pretty sure that whoever set the schedule for camp, did not have children. There are morning sessions and evening sessions. The evening being much like a regular Sunday morning church session. Starting at 7:15 and lasting (well this year it lasted) until 9:30. Breakfast is at 8:15 and morning sessions start at 9:15. Oh, and did I mention that after the service is what is referred to as “afterglow” where they serve refreshments and everyone visits. Needless to say, for FAMILY camp, that part of it, is really not very family friendly. But, we love it anyway. I have been going for 20 years, and I love that it’s become a place my children love and look forward to going to as well.

This has been a bit of an emotional weekend for me. I would assume that’s half due to the very small amount of sleep I actually got while camping (and sleeping) with my three small children. Accompanied with the age old question of, Do you think you’ll have any more children? And then when I respond, No, I think we’re done. It seemed to always be followed with, You just seem so natural with your children, like one of those people who would have like a bunch of children. Yes, thank you for rubbing in the fact that I ~~would have wanted to have more children~~ ~~want more children~~ am done having children. (If you are someone I care about, I don’t feel aggravated in telling my story to you. So if you asked me those questions and you’re reading this, don’t assume I’m having negative feelings towards you- I’m not.) This weekend also was the “reinstatement” of something I haven’t had in 2 years. (Which probably is reason enough for all this mood swing-y-ness.) The last time was when I miscarried before getting pregnant with Littlest E. So I had a few good cries. I’m sure it’s coupled with the fact that Littlest E is now over a year old and typically by this point (or shortly thereafter) I’m pregnant again. So Saturday was also the first time I’m had “the baby pang” and it made my heart ache. I tried to fill the void by adopting a new puppy at a Homeward Bound event, that I attended with a friend who was getting an animal… but couldn’t convince hubby. (*eyeroll*) He just loves to be the reasonable one. Somehow I see this becoming an ongoing battle. Eventually he’ll give in. Next time I’ll just bring him to the event. Let him look into their sad little eyes and tell them we don’t have room! (haha! *insert wicked witch laughter, and a sense of irony over the fact that I’m using wicked witch laughter when trying to save an animal.)

I know that we have three happy, healthy children, and I am so thankful for them. And I know that hubbyman is more than content with three kids. But I can’t help the fact that the knowledge of never being able to have more children, feels like a deep, open wound. It’s not that my children aren’t enough, but that they are. I am just one of those women that really loves being a mother, and I really love the young ages. (Not that I won’t enjoy them all along the way, I’m just a baby person!) It’s just something I’m going through, and will probably continue to go through. Maybe someday we’ll talk adoption, or foster care… or something. But for today, I’m trying to understand that the big picture may not be seen by me, and isn’t controlled by me.

Since I wasn’t home on Friday, and didn’t plan ahead enough to do it ahead of time, I missed my Thankful Friday post. Since I think I need the reminder today, I’ll finish with that today. Today’s list may be pretty simple and basic, but sometimes we need that reminder- that the “little” things (like food and shelter) are actually pretty important (who knew, right?!)

I’m thankful for a home to live in
I’m thankful for a place like family camp to have so many memories in (I met hubbyman there!! We shared our first kiss there 14 years ago!!) and a place to make so many more memories in with my children!! And the lifelong friends I’ve made there!! Or maintained there!
I’m thankful that Miss E had a lovely birthday. It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed it as a family.
I am thankful for my very cozy bed to sleep in.
For my hardworking hubby. He works hard so I can stay home with our babies. And I appreciate that so much.
I’m thankful for my husband in general! He is a good man and one of few people that I’ve always been able to depend upon for love and support in my life- for half of my life!!
I am very thankful for this cooler weather. I needed a reprieve! It’s been gorgeous! Where you’re perfectly warm (and not an inch cold!) but you’re not all hot and sweaty and the kids aren’t miserable.
I am hugely thankful for 3 healthy children, who consistently tell me they love me the most and will forever. And tell me they’re going to kiss me all day long.
I am thankful that all my children really love to cuddle.
I’m thankful that my dog is a big baby. Seriously. You’ve never seen a more docile lab.
I’m thankful that Littlest E still is pretty good about taking good naps. At least one. Not terribly long, but long enough that I can usually do something, even if just to give some extra attention to the bigger kids. (not that that’s a little thing!)
I’m so thankful that my tomato plants are producing after all!
And lastly, I am uber (I can’t stress this enough!!) thankful that the train bunk bed that my husband built, and is now finishing the paint work on, is just a few hours away from being done!!!

Happy Birthday to my very own Miss E!

Family Life According To Me Marriage Thankful Fridays

1 Comment »

Thankful Friday

by motherofwonder

Sometimes I think I can get a little too stuck in this, “Well, this is just how my life is, right now…” mentality instead of: Look at how great my life is! I mean I’m always tired (last night I was up with kids until after 3:30am and then they got up at 7:30 this morning!), I’m always hungry (I’m nursing and chasing the kids- constantly! It’s always one or the other!). And I’m always behind on 3 things: laundry, dusting, and showering. Sometimes I get so caught up in all the things I’m doing, I forget the wonderment of it all. And so today, (actually I’m thinking of making every Friday, Thankful Friday, where I take a moment to acknowledge all the good things I have in my life) I am taking at least these few moments to commemorate the things in my life that give me lots of love, laughs, and joy:

1. Littlest E has the silliest, goofiest laugh… and he shares it almost every time I look at him. Plus, he’s a hugger. Really. Always has been. Throws his arms around you and squeezes. Heart melting.

2. Our puppy (who just celebrated his first birthday!) is such a good boy. Seriously. He’s a lab, who gets tired out after playing fetch for like 5 throws. He’d really rather spend his day cuddled with one of the kids. Or napping next to where they play. Seriously, he is that big of a sweetheart, and that much of a big ‘ol baby. Love him!

3. Hubbyman has been making a big effort to be more present in his time at home. Playing with the kids (without the distraction of a project in the background) and in doing things (like the dishes!!) around the house, on a daily basis. I am so thankful for the partner he is- in our marriage and as a co-parent.

4. After always thinking that I didn’t really have a preference about having a daughter, I find I enjoy having one more and more each and every day. She is a girl who knows what she wants and she will either melt your heart or break it to get it! And I love that about her! She is my sweetie pie that would gladly sit by my side as I cook or clean and just keep me company and entertained with her chatter.

5. My oldest is growing by leaps and bounds, it always amazes me the things he understands more and more on a daily basis! He’s currently obsessed with lying and telling the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you ask him to tell him the truth (if you know he’s not giving you the whole story- and you have to specifically say, “Tell me the truth.”), he will. Begrudgingly, but he will. And he will not tolerate you telling him something that he knows to not be the truth. He may have a black and white view point, much like his father. He is also a sweetheart of a boy, who LOVES to give kisses and bear hugs. Truly. He’s not happy unless he’s hugged you hard enough to knock you on your bee-hind.

6. I have wonderful friends. Seriously. They totally rock. And I lived with one of my bffs for a month and a half this summer. And I love her more than ever. That’s how cool my friends are. Another friend came for a 2 week visit that he had to drive cross-country for! And we loved every minute of it! You know how sometimes by the end of a visit you’re like, “Get gone already!” This was not that way. We try almost daily to get him back here! And that’s just two examples! We are blessed with long time friends as well as newly made ones. They do our lives good- as a couple, as a family, and as individuals.

7. I find it totally amazing to witness the firsts of my children. First words, first steps, first time they see fireworks and point and “ooohh” and “aaahhhh” over every single one (Seriously, Littlest E truly did that). Total wonderment over the joy I feel in getting to be a part of their little lives.

8. I am 5lbs away from what I weighed in high school. Did I mention I’ve had 3 children in the last 4 years? I’m pretty proud of myself. No, maybe everything doesn’t fit or sit the same as it did back then, but I have earned every curve of my body, and I’m (learning!) accepting them.

9. I love the amount of laughter that goes on in my household. I am continually thankful for their sweet giggles amongst each other, and the ones they share with me. I am thankful for the way my husband and I can laugh together- and at each other, as much as at ourselves. Even the biggest hurts can feel manageable if you can intertwine laughter into the equation.

10. I am so appreciate to have this space. To have a place where I can say what I think and write how I feel. It’s empowering, liberating, and equal parts confusing…hey! I’m still learning! I feel more me, as an individual, when I can be open and honest about life, love, children, parenting… and living. Plus, where else would you find fabulous dinner ideas?! (*giggle, grin, and eye roll* yes, I even roll my eyes at my self. But you know, in a thankful, self accepting way)

These are by no means the only things that give my life joy, or in any particular order.I just needed to take a moment and internalize all the wonderment I do have in this crazy, busy, kid-filled life of mine. And to acknowledge that I love it completely, even if, at times, it doesn’t sound like, or feel like, I do.

Family Life According To Me Marriage

Leave a comment »

This Is My Confession The Remix

by motherofwonder

I can’t even say “this is my confession…” without instantly hearing the Usher song in my head. But this really isn’t that kind of confession. Not a, I did this horrible thing and now my life is over kind of confession, anyhow. Just a: this is my life. My real life. I’m not sugar coating things to make myself sound better, or wiser, or funnier… it’s the long and the short of it. This is my life as I feel it.

There is a lot of pressure in relationships (of all kinds- parenthood, marriage, friendships, work) for perfection, and as it turns out, I am not perfect. (*insert collective gasp here*) I make mistakes. (I know right?! I find it both shocking and appalling as well. Feel free to insert another gasp here.) But I am aware of my imperfections, my mistakes, my less-than-ness. At least most of the time. That said, sometimes I hold people in my life to a higher standard than I do myself. I accept that I am going to fall short (I don’t like that quality, but on most levels, I do accept it.), but somehow I have the tendency to believe that those I surround myself with, should try harder, do more, invest more, and toe the line…possibly more than I do. Even in typing this, I don’t like it. I don’t want to admit it. And I don’t want to be that way. I especially don’t want to admit it out loud, you know, where I can be quoted on it. But there you have it.

Hubbyman had a revelation of sorts this last week. He took a very long road trip with one of our dearly loved friends. Therefore he had more time than usual to process and talk. Probably more time than in the last 5 years. (And by probably, I mean definitely since this was the longest we’d been separated since military days.) This last week he has put forth a lot of effort to make sure I was feeling appreciated, and more than that, that I was feeling taken care of. The first day I was convinced he was in trouble for something, or was paving his way before getting into some trouble. Not because he’s proven that to be true previously, but because he doesn’t always live up to my expectations. I do not mean this disrespectfully or as an implication that he is not an amazing father, husband, and provider- because he definitely is all of those things. What I mean is that sometimes I have expectations for him that he cannot fulfill. They are often unfair, and occasionally unreasonable. But there I’ve said it. Just like he sometimes is less than appreciative of the state of the house, despite how many hours I spend on a daily basis trying to keep it from looking like a hurricane went through it… sometimes I am underwhelmed at how much housework he gets done, or helps with, after he gets home from a long day of work. We all have our downfalls. I by no means am saying that we should no longer expect the best out of each other, or to lower the bar… but when do we start being realistic with each other? Can we know that we’re imperfect, with some acknowledgment that we’re trying out hardest to do our best within our imperfect capabilities? Doesn’t that count for something?

So here is my ultimate confession: Sometimes I have unrealistic expectations for my hubbyman and fail to acknowledge all the things he does do, or give him credit when he does go above and beyond the normal wear and tear of the day. Unfortunately, I don’t limit this to my husband, it’s also with my kids (It’s crazy how sometimes I can have the expectation for my CHILDREN to behave like anything other than CHILDREN.), my parents, brothers, sisters (yes, they’re in-law, but they’re still sisters), and even my friends. (Apparently it’s unreasonable for me to expect them to foresee all my needs and accommodate them. Weird.) So ladies and gentlemen, tell someone in your life who maybe you feel like isn’t pulling their weight (in your home, in your family, in your relationship/friendship, church… and I mean pulling their weight emotionally and time-wise, as much as I do actual work) that you are thankful for all the things that they actually do. Be grateful for the times when they do go above and beyond the call of duty. And then go one step further (c’mon, I dare you!), you go above and beyond for them. Whether it’s bringing home flowers for the first time in a year (or more), or you make a favorite meal and clean up the dishes afterwards, or even just sitting and listening- without rolling your eyes or acting annoyed (no matter what the topic!). Sometimes it’s the little things that can make the biggest difference. Yesterday, my husband did the dishes three times. Once when he got home from work, once after dinner (that HE made), and once right before bed. Did I mention that he also made dinner?! And he also got out, thawed a little, and served me some of my wine slushie! Does it get better than that? Hardly.

I expected them to not want to go down the aisle...I did not expect them to fight for the rights to throwing the flowers all down the aisle. It ended in MissE dumping her basket rather than continuing to have to share in the flower throwing duties with her brother

Family Life According To Me Marriage

Leave a comment »

Imperfect Perfection

by motherofwonder

There are currently two friends of mine that are in some part of the divorce process. It’s heartbreaking, truly. I’m not going into the details behind it, but just know that these are two wonderful women who deserve to be happy and loved, and I truly hope they know that. After an e-mail from one, something she said resonated with me (after divulging that *gasp* yes, even my marriage has had times where it’s really not easy), about wishing to be more like other couples, happy couples. The truth is, ALL couples have at least one point in their marriage of something, some words, some…times that could either make or break the relationship. I’m not saying that there’s no such thing as a happy couple! I believe I’m part of a happy couple-ship… at least most days. What I am saying is that it’s real life. Just like anything else in real life marriage, and relationships of all forms (whether it’s a boyfriend, a sister, a best friend) has ups and downs. It’s messy, it’s work, it’s time consuming, emotion consuming…it’s real. And it’s also worthwhile. I am not saying this to say divorce is evil or that you have to stay married no matter what...this is really not about that. This is just about the work of staying married, or staying in any relationship for that matter.

While I know I’ve talked about how if hubbyman and I didn’t have bad luck, we wouldn’t have any luck at all, it’s not entirely true (and we don’t wholeheartedly believe that we have bad luck, either. Just so you know.). We have been fortunate in each other. I was fortunate enough to have married my long-time friend, and the first boy I ever kissed. (read about that here) For a shy, insecure girl, with major trust issues…this was key. As of this month, I’ve known my husband for half of my life (*sigh I’m getting so old!*). That said, I can see how you would think with all that time, and friendship, and blah, blah blah… that it would be easy, that we’d know each other so well that we’d always finish each other’s sentences, always a step ahead because we know what’s coming, and things like that. While I will admit to usually knowing the “where is *insert random item*?” question before it’s even asked, and that I can always know exactly where he left anything (even though I can never remember where I set my glasses, or my phone), even if I didn’t see him leave it… we actually can’t read each other’s minds. While certainly know exactly where and which buttons to press, we often still need specific directions on how to fix it after said buttons have been pushed. We know each other very well, and yet he still leaves his laundry everywhere, even though he knows I’ve gotten a million laundry baskets for him to throw it in. And I still set dishes in the sink, instead of on the counter, even though that makes him roll his eyes the way the trail of his clothes does to me. It’s real life.

I could, of course, tell you, we’re perfect for each other, grow more in love every single day, that we hardly ever say a negative word to each other, and that it just comes easy for us. But that wouldn’t be completely honest, and seriously, who wants to read about how everything’s perfect (and therefore better than everyone else!)? Nobody. Because we all know that’s not real life. In real life we do things that can have negative consequences, we say things that we can’t take back, and we think things we’d never admit to out loud. It’s hard, it’s sad, sometimes even heartbreaking, but it’s real. And it can also be wonderful.

I did the Love Dare a few months ago, and granted I didn’t do it in the 40 days they prescribe, but I wanted to make sure that I meant every thing they challenged us to do. And sometimes it would take a while before I was ready to put my big girl pants on and follow through. I didn’t do it to save my marriage from imminent danger. I did it to maintain my marriage. So that should a day arise when we feel like we’re at a crossroads… well, I’ll have some tools to work my way through. I feel like it gave me a fresh perspective, of my husband and of marriage. And it helped us to talk through some things. Like how easily I forget things, without making the decision to forgive, first. Truly. I know the adage is “I forgive, but I don’t forget.” I’m completely opposite. I can go to sleep just fuming, but I wake up and I’ve forgotten how mad I was and move on until something makes me remember and I’m mad all over, because while my brain had forgotten the incident, my heart hadn’t forgiven.

And I also don’t follow the “never let the sun set on your anger” one either… because sometimes, you just need some time and space. So that things aren’t said that you can’t take back. We do, however, have a rule that we always kiss goodnight. No matter what. So while we may be going to bed without fully resolving whatever issue was at hand, we are still connecting in a way that tells each other, “I love you and I am committed to you, even though I’d rather be anywhere but right next to you at the moment.” And for us that works. In our going-on-7-years marriage, I can count the times where we have gone to bed without doing that. At least the times where we’ve forgone it intentionally. I’m not counting the times we were apart or the times we’ve fallen asleep putting the kids to bed… just the times where we purposely did not kiss each other. Really. We may not always feel like kissing, much less talking to the other, but we do it anyways. For for us, that small action, is very important. And so when he finally wakes up, from falling asleep reading to the kids, and climbs into bed…and gives me a kiss, well, to me, it’s a big piece of what makes our crazy, messy, loud, busy, imperfect life my kind of perfection.