So…I didn’t post anything yesterday (you obviously noticed instead of sitting there obliviously, right?? I’m going with, obviously!) and I thought about skipping it today…. but thoughts of you won out. That’s right, you.
The holidays are always a hard time for me, emotionally, physically, mentally… it’s the time of year I’ve always struggled most. It’s seasonal depression-esque but probably a little heavier. I have trouble sleeping- I toss and turn, even though I’ve made a point to go to bed earlier than I normally do and have outlawed the computer in the bedroom so that I have nothing distracting me from sleep- other than myself. And then I wake up and I’m so tired you’d think I barely slept the night before and it’s truly all I can do to drag myself out of bed. This morning I realized that as I get older, it may be worsening instead of being alleviated. My tip off? The fact that I sat and looked longingly at the coffee maker, wanting coffee, but thinking I just didn’t have it in me to actually make the coffee. It just seemed like so much effort. Uh, what? Houston, we definitely have a problem.
Hubbyman will admit it, begrudgingly, but he too as seasonal depression. I’m sure a good part of his is that he never sees the sun. It’s dark when he leaves for work and it’s dark when he comes home- and that is hard on a person! I’ve been trying to coax him into talking to a Dr. about it, but it seems a little silly when I have not done that myself. Maybe we can go together and it’ll be like a date. (Yeah, that’s not happening.) But I am hoping that if I decide to take the leap of faith and trust that I don’t have to feel this way, maybe he will too. Instead of laying back to back, tossing and turning, both battling the same restless feelings, without the words to fully explain them. (Plus, as a spouse it’s hard to not internalize your partners feelings.) The point of why I’m sharing this? (Because I’m not exactly enjoying telling people that I think making coffee is a lot of work… c’mon, coffee?! It does explain the mountain of laundry though, if I think coffee is a big deal.) Maybe you’re feeling that way, or maybe someone you love is feeling that way. Know that you’re not alone, know that they aren’t trying to be a grump during the time of year lots of people become bubbley annoying versions for their former put together selves. So talk. Talk about your feelings, talk about their feelings. And remember it’s ok. See a Dr., see a therapist, see your best friend. There is no shame in doing what is necessary for you, or your spouse, partner, friend, family member…. No shame. Only encouragement, support, and hopefully a better nights’ sleep.
The truth is, I’m antsy even sitting here, with visions of laundry fairies and diaper genies dancing in my head. I’m pretty sure they’re laughing at me and how they won’t be visiting my house, instead leaving me to wash all the diapers, and the rest of the laundry on my own. Me, who thinks coffee making takes a lot of effort. Yikes. If I can figure out a way to bribe -or blackmail- them, I’ll be sure to let you know.
laborofwonder 
Thanks for sharing that. I will pray for you. 🙂
thank you- prayers are always appreciated! 🙂
You are not alone in how you are feeling and by reaching out to others, you are a huge help. Hugs.
thank you! If anything, this post was so that others knew that they weren’t alone either!
I’ve been struggling a lot recently. Chris keeps asking me what’s wrong and my only response is that I’m just blah. I know a lot has to do with still grieving Aidan during this time of year and I’m sadly realizing that it’s probably not going to get easier as the years go by.
know that I love you and think of you and your sweet boys often! I can’t tell you it’s going to get easier, and I certainly won’t tell you that it’s ok or that you’ll survive (it’s one of those things we live with, but one never really “survives” the loss of a child). But I can tell you that we will never forget Aidan. Not one sweet little inch!