humor | laborofwonder

Give Me A Break

by motherofwonder

TODAYMoms and the people over at Redbook (the magazine) have declared today “No Judgment Day!” (The links will not only take you to their sites, but to their articles about No Judgment Day) It’s all about a day of not judging other moms, as much as not judging yourself! And I tell you what- it couldn’t have come at a better time! Today is day 4 of Miss E and Littlest E having running ~~faucets~~ noses, day 2 of Big E being fevered with a sore throat, and the day I woke up feeling like someone had clawed their way down my throat. So while I was looking around my house thinking all kinds of “judgey“things about myself and trying to find the motivation to make myself crawl around the house getting things done while willing my children to stay whinelessly on the couch while I do so. Neither being very likely. Then I read the No Judgment article. So today, since I likely won’t leave the house, I am giving myself a day free of self-judgement.

TodayMom is asking you to go to their facebook page and answer the question, “Don’t judge me because…’ If you go there, and happen to read my answer- please don’t judge me.

Staying true to theme, here is a short list of things I have decided not to judge myself for today (and I’m hoping that you’ll join me in not judging me for these things!).

I made banana cream pudding for breakfast and the kids are on their second bowl. I really made it because it was what sounded good to me.
While I eyed the laundry in need of folding, I just faced the other direction, wrapped myself in a blanket, and cuddled with my kids while watching a cheesy Christmas movie.
We chopped a little tree last Thursday, but it’s in water outside as I still don’t have a stand for it…
I have no Christmas decorations up/out
There are more toys on the floor than in their bins (that may be a slight exaggeration, emphasis on the slight.)
I know it’s before noon, but now is when I usually decide what to make for dinner (so that I can have things thawed/marinated/know what to send hubbyman to the store for), but I already know that I don’t want to make dinner.
I have a house full of fruits and vegetables (and meals made from them) and I have no interest in any of it. Only banana pudding. And a craving for a some spaghettio-s.
I may just make soup for dinner, even though I know hubbyman won’t like it. (the only soup he deems acceptable is tomato, and only as long as it’s paired with grilled cheese. Otherwise soup does not constitute a meal. If he sees soup he’ll continue looking through the kitchen/oven/fridge hoping I also prepared something else to go along with it.)
I’m thinking nap time should begin at 11am today!
I refuse to get out of my pajamas today. I labeled MissE’s pajamas as “comfy clothes” to get her to join me in the pajama wearing party.
I have no even thought about Christmas cards. And I’m refusing to give them another thought today.

Are there things you judge other parents for? Are there things you feel judged on by other mom’s (or dad’s)? Are there things you judge yourself for? Give yourself -and others- a free pass today! And try to carry a little less judgment through the rest of the year!

Family Life According To Me

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Signs My Children Are Evil Geniuses

by motherofwonder

Ok, maybe they’re not evil…. and maybe they’re not geniuses (I’m saying that for the sole reason that there are parents out there whose children are not geniuses, and if that’s you, I want you to keep reading with a clear mind, instead of one muddled with thoughts of how your children are under-achievers.. Obviously, mine actually are geniuses.)

Sign #1. As I typed of them truly being geniuses, my youngest stripped off his diaper, only to immediately pee on the floor. And then cry about being wet. My children love to make a liar out of me, or maybe just a fool. Either way they win; I lose.

Sign #2. The men on my husband’s side all need to be fed before they get hungry or disaster ensues. So if one of my boys says they’re hungry, for the love of all things peaceful, feed them and feed them quick! My oldest always seems to get hungry just as I’m in the middle of doing something tedious/time consuming/I have to get done which means that I’ll make him something fast like a PB&J (this kid would live on it if he had the choice) instead of cooking an entire meal.

Sign #3. They keep me guessing. MissE will whine and whine and whine. Just when I think I’m, going to lose it with her, and the constant questions, requests, and flat out whining, she’ll respond with, I was asking if I could have this orange to share with Big E, because we’re hungry and it’s healthy for us so we’ll grow big and strong. They do all these childish things and then spout out some grown up paraphernalia. Yesterday, MissE’s complaint was that Littlest E just didn’t appreciate her. Yes, those were her words.

Sign #4. I’m guessing most people with a dog probably also have this problem, but I’m adding it in as collective evidence. Something they don’t want to eat but have been told they have to? It inevitably gets spilled on the floor where the dog lay in wait, before I could even think about the possibility of making them eat it anyways. (I’m not specifically saying I would, just saying it’s gone before I could even process that thought!)

Sign #. This may be the most telling sign of all. My children are good helpers. Big E wakes up and lets the dog out, often all on his own. Miss E is my “fetcher” (as she woman looks for objects where as my boys “man look”- which either means that it truly is genetic, or Big E is a bigger evil genius than I realized), and even Littlest E loves to help put away toys. They love to help so much that they often argue over who gets to do what. If I ask someone to let the dog back in and one keeps playing, while the other goes running… the one left behind falls into hysterics as they obviously wanted to be the one to do it. And heaven forbid I ask one of them specifically to do something for me, the other is always hurt that I didn’t ask them to do it. Which means that sometimes I weigh the time spent calming them down vs. time spent doing the job itself. And I admit there are times when I just do things myself because that’s easier than dealing with the but-I-wanted-to-do-it fall out. Which just may be exactly what they wanted….

She *looks* so unsuspecting, doesn't she?

Family Life According To Me Things Kids Say

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The White Fluffy Stuff (that isn’t marshmallows)

by motherofwonder

Can I just say that the Saturday before Thanksgiving is not a great time for a quick trip to the grocery store?? I spent twice as long in line as I did shopping. After returning from our outing, I sat down for a(nother) cup of coffee. When I filled my cup, there was nothing going on outside. By the time my cup was empty (like 30 minutes, maybe 45), I glanced out the door and scared hubbyman by gasping, Look! The deck was covered, along with all the roofs of our neighbors and most of the yards. (Backstory; Big E has been asking every morning if today will be the day it will snow. I’d been telling him all week that Saturday would be the day. And he’d already asked a couple times on our trip out if it was time for the snow yet.) So I flew downstairs and grabbed my biggest boy, covered his eyes, and brought him to the window. His eyes widened and he shrieked, It’s snow!! He helped his daddy shovel the driveway and made a snowman. He has since been very concerned about doing everything possible to not let the snow melt. Including trying to convince his parents to move his snowman into the freezer. That’s a reasonable request, right?

Another thing keeping me laughing during all the craziness that the holidays can bring on… every time I’ve looked at Littlest E this morning he says, Shake! Booty! And then starts dancing. Highly entertaining!

A few days ago Littlest E did some raking. This weekend Big E shoveled the walkway. Wonder what child labor I can find for Miss E this week?

Family Life According To Me Things Kids Say

Football For Life!

by motherofwonder

I am a girl who very much likes football. Really. My whole little family could be a walking Viking commercial. (In looking for pictures to post, I found I had more pictures of us in Viking gear than I thought and had a hard time choosing!) I like football, in general,so much I will (willingly) watch games that are not featuring “my team.” Now before the rest of my contemporaries throw me under the bus for “betraying my kind,” know that it is a great bonding time with my hubbyman, one that the kids have gotten in on. Seriously, Big E would sit and watch a whole game with his daddy when he was too little to be watching tv! And they love “our” team so much that they have a hard time accepting that a) there are any other teams, b) anyone would cheer for any other team, and c) that their beloved Vikings could not win a game. (All Viking fans have this problem, I’m sure. Please, withhold your laughter. It’s bad enough to be a fan. Don’t kick us while we’re down.) I came across this video via the f’book this morning and laughed watching it…and I assure you, you will too. And if you’re not laughing, you are probably commiserating.

This is just too hilarious, sad, and true…and anyone that knows my children, knows how easily this could have been a video of one of them (I know I already said this, but it bears repeating!)! In fact, when I showed them this video, they responded in 3 ways:

Watching a game with daddy. Really.

Big E: The Vikings show? Is it time for the Viking show now?

Me: No, that was a couple days ago.

Big E: Did you forget to tell me what time it was?

Me: No, you watched a little bit of it, but you were watching a movie in the playroom instead.

Big E: I don’t think you told me the Viking show was on. Daddy would have wanted me to watch the Viking show with him. He likes me to see them win and do the touchdown.

Me: I know he does. But the Vikings didn’t win this time.

Big E: (getting very upset) Yes, they did.

Me: I wish they had, trust me, but they didn’t win this time.

Big E: I am never going to trust you because I did want them to win and I didn’t want to watch a movie instead of the Viking show.

MissE in Viking apparel via Grama

Miss E: Why is that little girl crying?

Me: Because she wanted the Vikings to win.

Miss E: Did they not do many touchdowns?

Me: No, they did not do many touchdowns.

Miss E: (begins to cry) but I only like it when the Vikings win.

Me: I know, me too.

Miss E: (Throws herself on the couch, while crying) You should never say the Vikings didn’t win. They only win.

Daddy and "the big 2"- before they were big

Littlest E: (pointing at computer screen) Baby

Me: She’s bigger than you. You are the baby.

Littlest E: (pointing at computer screen) Baby! (pointing at himself) Big boy!

Me: This argument is going to go as well as the Vikings loss…

Littlest at a Viking's game!

Even my littlest man thinks it's shocking how bad the Vikes are this year!

Family Life According To Me Things Kids Say

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You’ve Gotta be Kidding Me!

by motherofwonder

Have you ever had one of those days where every time you turn around something happens that makes you throw your hands up in the air and ask the age-old question- Are You kidding me?! Well, that was my day yesterday…Dog completely emptying a full bag of trash and drag it all over freshly vacuumed kitchen and living room? Check. Children discovering where the suckers were hidden, and their sneaky-ness not being discovered until the 3rd sucker? Check and check. (hey, I was doing the laundry and they were the small suckers!) Baby repeatedly taking off freshly changed diaper, only to pee on the floor? Check. Check. And check. Voices in the monitor when no one was in the room? Check.

Not the deer from my yard, but it coulda been! Imagine this running straight for you- from 15 yards away! (Clicking on the photo will take you to its source!)

8 point buck traipse through the yard? Check. Lady honk her horn long and loud enough to scare the deer from the road and instead straight back at me? Check. Life-flashing-before-eyes scream? Check. Dog come out of nowhere to growl/bark/defend/scare away the deer? Check! (He may have redeemed himself a little here.) Deer continue to meander its way through the street, moseying from one yard to another. Sigh. And check. Check please?

Does saving my life cancel out the garbage dumping? I haven't decided yet.

Nap time? Check…. crap. No check.

Family Life According To Me

3 Comments »

How We Survive

by motherofwonder

So as I was doing the dishes, I thought I was overhearing a rather sweet moment passing between Littlest E and MissE. I poked my head into the living room to catch them in a hug, smiled at their sweetness, and went back to the dishes. Only to catch the last few words of what MissE was actually saying.

That’s right you little boy, I’m never going to let you go. You’re not going to get passed me and get my dolly.

That’s right that sweet moment I’d just witnessed was really a hostage situation. She was afraid he was going to get her doll (probably with good reason, they do tend to want whatever toy is prized.) and she was going to do anything she could to make sure that didn’t happen. Apparently including keeping him clamped in her grip. Finally Littlest started to fuss and complain about the hostage situation and so I poked my head back in. saying, “Miss E, you know if you’d let go of your brother you’d have a free hand to actually play with your dolly.” To which she scrunched up her pretty little face, heaved a huge sigh, and spouted off with, Ahh! This is never going to work! I tried to stifle my laughter and asked her, What isn’t going to work? I want to play with Littlest. Well, it looks like he wants to play with you too. But he keeps touching my toys. You want him to play with you without touching the toys? Yeah. I just want him to watch me play with my toys. That’s how he can play with me.

With his ever-perfecting comedic timing, Littlest walks back in with his sister’s trash can, takes one look at her, shakes his head, and sticks the basket on his head (it goes to his belly) and walks out. *Sigh* I know how he feels. So if you happen to see me walking around with a trash can or basket on my head, don’t worry about it, it’s a means of survival around here.

Family Life According To Me Things Kids Say

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Wheelin’ And Dealin’

by motherofwonder

So I’m trying to make a deal with Littlest E about wearing his diapers, and if he’s not wearing them, where he should be going potty. Right now it seems like we’re at floor 12 – potty 4. He really is young for potty training, but he hates diapers. He takes them off as soon as a droplet of anything hits the diaper, if he leaves it on long enough for any droplets to hit. He frequently can be found stripping off his diaper and then taking aim at the floor. Thankfully it’s just the pee version that hits the floor. The other form of potty is saved for the actual potty. Which is awesome! I should mention, he is 15 months old, so the fact that he uses and wants to use, and requests to use, the potty at all is pretty freakin’ amazing/exciting. So how exactly do you make a deal with a 15 month old? I’m not sure. If you have any ideas, feel free to send them my way! I’m thinking I’ll test out duct tape and super tight pants. Skinny jeans would be hard to peel off (especially over cloth diapers!), right?? Maybe I could make pants with the duct tape? Lets see him shimmy outta that!

As soon as I’d typed these words in, I turned around to see Littlest Man sans diaper and hunched over….

Me: Ah!! *Littlest E*!!

MissE: Mom, he doesn’t like diapers. But don’t let him go potty on the floor. That’s gross.

Me: I know.

MissE: Then don’t let him do that.

Me: I didn’t let him do that.

MissE: Then why didn’t you put him on the potty?

Me: I thought he was wearing a diaper, and he’s still kinda little to understand when to use the potty. And Ididn’t think he could get his diaper off while it was under his pants.

MissE: You were wrong.

Me: Obviously. Let’s get his diaper with the snaps, and go find some duct tape.

In other news, we may be getting some snow tonight and tomorrow… any chance anyone knows a good deal I can make to have two summers in a row, instead?

Happy Monday folks! May your day be filled with clean clothes, fresh food, and dry floors.

Family Life According To Me Things Kids Say

2 Comments »

The Earth Is Round

by motherofwonder

So this weekend hubbyman and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart. I’d been feeling one way, he’d been feeling another, and neither of us had been very communicative. It came on suddenly and really was a fairly short conversation. Was it our first discussion of this kind? Hardly. Will it be our last? I’d be shocked. We each just needed to feel heard. It reminds me of the way the kids ask a million questions, all in a row. Some things they really do want answers for, but others, I’m fairly certain, are asked just because they want to know that it’s ok, or safe, to ask any questions they may have. And sometimes I feel that way too. I talk and talk, but really I just want to know, and feel, that my words are worth listening to. Am I alone in this?

My mom sent me an e-mail (that my grandma had sent to her) the other day and after our talk, I shared it with my husband, and we both had a good laugh:

While creating women, God promised men that submissive and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

Family Life According To Me Marriage

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The Skinless People

by motherofwonder

So I woke up today tired…I know, it’s shocking, right?! Ok, so it’s not shocking. But, I did wake up in a good mood and am finding delight in lots of things this morning. Like the fact that I remembered to buy more good coffee, so I don’ t have to gulp down hubbyman’s super dark roast. Or the smiles I get when the kids discover that I restocked our oatmeal supply, along with our supply of bananas! Littlest E was not as impressed with his own food and therefore got his breakfast from sneaking spoonfuls (and occasionally fist fulls) of his siblings’ food. Thankfully, his siblings didn’t seem to mind. They just sat there, the three of them, in a row, blissfully eating their breakfast. Or wearing it, depending on your point of view.

Because I’m finding delight in things, I thought I’d share a few things that maybe you would find some delight in too.

Last weekend, I was driving home from my parents, with all the kiddos in tow. It’s about an hourish drive. Which is just long enough to get lots of good stories in. It started with them asking me to tell them the story about when I used to have “a work” to go to… and then they started talking. MissE is crying (yet again) because she doesn’t want to leave Earth, and she doesn’t want to die. And Big E is excitedly talking about how he wants to go to Heaven. He just wants to go and see God’s face. (At which point his sister informs him that he doesn’t have to die to do that, he could just open up and try and see his heart.) He just kind of looks at her sister, and then asks, If I open me up, will I die and go to heaven? I ask him why he wants to go heaven right now, and this conversation followed:

I really just want to see God. And to see all the people who don’t have skin anymore and are just bones.

Um, what?

You know, when you die all your skin melts off and you’re just bones.

(Insert Miss E crying and saying:) I want to keep my skin! Can we tell God to just make Earth be the Heaven and let us keep our skin, and give the already died people back their skin?

Family Life According To Me Things Kids Say

Oh For The Love!

by motherofwonder

What is something that mom always says to you? MissE: you say I love you all the times. BigE: Pick up.
What makes mom happy? MissE: not naughty. BigE: When it’s picked up.
What makes mom sad? MissE: yelling. BigE: When I don’t pick up.
How does mom make you laugh? MissE: tickle me. BigE: tickles, you make me laugh by tickling.
What was mom like when she was a child? MissE: you liked to play. like grandma before she turned into a grandma. BigE: you liked toys.
How old is mommy? she holds up 3 fingers then asks, Are you the age just like I am? BigE: holds up five fingers and asks, this old?
How tall is mommy? MissE: reaches down and touches my toes and then tries to reach my head and says, That’s how tall you are. BigE: Puts hand on top of my head.
What is mommy’s favorite thing to do? MissE: Clean up (I think she’s confusing how I want to spend my time with how I actually spend my time!) BigE: grocery shopping.
What does mommy do when you’re not around? MissE: I don’t know, if I’m not there I can’t see you. BigE: I don’t know. what do you do when I’m not there?
What would mommy be famous for? MissE: for ducks (I have no idea what this means or where she’s going with it… I do know that she thinks this is way too many questions.) BigE: picking up.
What’s mommy good at? MissE: tickling. BigE: cooking.
What is mommy not very good at? MissE: flowers. BigE: Driving airplanes.
What is mommy’s job? MissE: play with me. BigE: picking up
How are you and mommy the same? MissE: being girls. BigE: I don’t know.
How are you and mommy different? MissE: being girls (I’m thinking she doesn’t quite understand “different”). BigE: I’m tootie.
What do you and mom like to do together? MissE: Play in the water or go to the store. BigE: grocery shop.
What is mommy’s favorite food? MissE: chicken. BigE: coffee.
If mom were a cartoon character who would she be? MissE: you. BigE: a dancer.
How do you know mom loves you? MissE: from me. BigE: the kissin’
Where is mommy’s favorite place to go? MissE: the farmer’s market, the store, and your friends’ house. BigE: the grocery shop.
What makes you proud of your mom? MissE: when you give me cereal, that is when I am proud of you. BigE: Mooom, I never get proud. (he seems to think “getting proud” is a bad thing.)

I’d asked Big E these questions when he was just under 2 and just thought it would be fun to go through and ask them again and see their responses. Overall I think they thought it was a)silly and b)too many questions. But it was fun to watch them as they thought over some of the questions, you know, the ones they actually put thought into.