laborofwonder

Where Whine Meets Wine

Feb 22

Winds of Change

by motherofwonder

Things are starting to get a little bit shaken up over here at the household full of E’s. (Seriously, I’m the only one in my house -other than the animals- that isn’t an E, did I ever mention that? My children think I feel left out, or that I should feel left out… I think it just makes me that much more special. Right?) Anyways, our house itself, is not in upheaval or anything. Ok, that’s a blatant lie. My house is pretty much always in a state of upheaval. Unless the children have gone to Grandma’s. What I’m really meaning is that things are changing over here.

Biggest is 5, and will be kindergarten age for this fall’s school session. We have decided (for numerous reasons) to homeschool. At least for kindergarten. We’ll take this year to feel our way out and see how we both feel about it. So we have been scouring the internet, fielding phone calls, and taking in numerous pamphlets via the good ‘ol USPS. It’s a little intimidating and a lot overwhelming. We think we’re settled. Now we just have to get our “school area” prepped and ready. Which means I need some more shelving. Which I’m hoping means a trip to The Container Store. (I love that place. Hubbyman took me there for Valentine’s Day last year- and I declared it the best Valentine’s Day ever. This is a true story.) So we’ve got that going on.

And… we’ve got the whole converting everything to homemade/non-chemical. I left some messages with some lovely etsy ladies yesterday on doing some reviews of their natural/homemade/chemical free home cleaning and personal products and in less than 24 hours I already have 2 in the works! This is SO exciting! Letjoy, of My Big Cloth Adventure, has been encouraging me to reach out to some retailers and start doing reviews. And I finally did it! So be on the lookout the next couple of weeks for a review and maybe a giveaway or two!

And… I’m going to be doing daycare for some very dear friends. They’re due in the fall. We just told them yesterday. They’re excited. I’m excited. We’ve been asked about doing daycare for a few other people. While I was always willing, it turned out, I didn’t always want to. And hubbyman has always been very adamant that my time at home be devoted to our children. He didn’t want them left out. And then there’s the deal of not being able to go places during the week. The thought of that always stressed me out when it was just the older 2. Now that there’s three. I really don’t do a whole lot of outings during the week. And I’m totally ok with that. I mean, we go to the park, we go to the farmer’s market, we go for walks, we play outside. We play inside. We do things, we just don’t drive places. And all the places I would feel I was “missing out” on (like walking to the farmer’s market, the park, or even the grocery store) are all walk-able. Even with an addition. And while, obviously, it won’t be the same as having my own brand new little baby. I am so happy to help with theirs. They are one of my favorite couples and I am so thoroughly excited for them. This was the first time where hubbyman and I were immediately like- we want to do this! And I’m excited to have a little baby I’ll get to snuggle on a daily basis! So while it will obviously mean some changes here, I am looking forward to it. Just as I am the rest of the changes goin’ on.  So bear with me as I’m trying to figure everything out and how to schedule it all out… and hold your breath until tomorrow. (Ok, don’t really, but it’s gonna be good.) I am going to share my super delicious ice cream cake that I made for hubbyman’s birthday a few weeks ago. And I may or may not have for lunch. (I got a piece out to have for lunch yesterday, and somehow ended up eating a salad. I’m not sure how that happened, but I promise not to let it happen again!)

Family Gluten Free Green Homemade Life According To Me Marriage Things Kids Say

4 Comments »
Feb 21

My Toothpaste Is Salty

by motherofwonder

Well, the long weekend is over. Boo. Hoo. Wah! And we currently have more snow in our yard than we have at any other point this winter (I think). It probably won’t happen, but I’m crossing my fingers that hubbyman decides to come home a little early to fulfill his biggest boy’s winter dream of finally going sledding down the hill in the backyard.

Even though it was a long weekend, it felt… short. Or maybe just compacted? No, it just felt short. Maybe because it was compacted? Whatever. Friday night we ran errands trying to get everything we needed to make our homemade cleaning products and personal care products. We didn’t find everything we needed at the local health food store or a local regular store. The next morning the Big 2 had Tae Kwon Do. Actually, they don’t normally have it on Saturday, but today was test day, and they got a new colored stripe on their belts. It was their first big test, and Biggest boy did so good- I was so proud! I’m normally banned (by hubbyman) from their lessons, because I’m “distracting.” (They’ll run off the mat to give me a hug or a kiss… every 2.3 seconds or so. I guess I can understand.). Anyhow, my boy did fantastic! My girl did… well, she did it. But their last test was in a small room with just Master Lee, so to be in a room full of other kids and their families, and extended families… it was a bit overwhelming. When he called her name, she immediately burst into tears and cried, I don’t want to go in front of everybody! (I don’t blame her- I felt self conscious up there in front of everyone, and I was just there for her moral support.) Anyhow, afterwards we went downtown St. Paul to a bigger healthfood store. And the rest of the ingredients we ordered online. Which is probably what we should have done to start with, because it was way cheaper. Way cheaper.

Hubbyman was so excited about the process, that he began to make some of the things that we did have all the ingredients for. We have shampoo, toothpaste for us, and toothpaste for the kids. He also shampooed the carpet with our homemade version (but we’ve been using that for a while). While I love the homemade carpet shampoo… that’s about where my love ends, so far. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I love the way the shampoo smells, and I love how clean my teeth feel after using the toothpaste. Seriously, the only clean that compares is right after the dentist. So we obviously have some work to do before any recipes are released. But I may just be feeling a little grinchy, because he also vinegar washed my coffee maker.  Now, that really is a good thing. And far be in from me to criticize a man doing some househelp. But I will admit that having to do all the flushes to get the vinegar out this morning, before I could have my cup of coffee, kinda squelched those feel-good, thanks-for-helping feelings.

I have found my Green Book! It’s not really called that, but to me, that’s what it is. What it really is:  Homemade! How to make everyday products fast, fresh, and more naturally.  702 ways to save money and the earth. It is pretty awesome. Everything from how to make things you love, but don’t want to spend the money on (hello, starbucks frappuccino) to things you want to make healthy instead of toxic. You can duplicate cough syrup, deodorant, aftershave, I even have a “recipe” for Oil of Olay’s all-day moisturizer (and wrinkle cream). And that’s without all the icky stuff that you don’t want in it or on you! The food recipes seem a little silly to me, except for the ones that are how to make this famous thing at home (like said frappuccino, or condiments- you know, things you wouldn’t find in your every day cookbook). But that may be just because I have to have some cookbooks I keep in storage, because I have that many. I love cookbooks. Seriously. And, it’s a collection that my husband actually approves of. More cookbooks = more cooking = satisfied hungryman, I mean, hubbyman.

Anyways, so long story still long… good weekend, filled weekend. Homemade stuff was not a total bust, but not a total success. But we will be working on it. And next batch of toothpaste will be minty instead of citrus-y. I think that’s my problem with the toothpaste. Minty freshness just feels cleaner. If you are wanting to start in on some homemade household things, I  HIGHLY recommend you check out the book. Lots of from scratch, lots of almost from scratch.    So even if you’re not going to be making your own toothpaste, or shampoo, there are lots of things you can do. Whether it’s your own cleaning products (imagine, safe to have around and you get to pick out the scent!) to homemade skillet meals (want the ease of the throw the frozen bag in the bowl meals, without all the gross additives and for a fraction of the price?).

And now I am off to fight the raging war on the evils of clutter… either that or I’ll just eat a piece of hubbyman’s birthday ice cream cake (which was also homemade, GF, and delicious!).

Dessert Family Gluten Free Green Homemade Life According To Me Marriage

5 Comments »
Feb 17

Does This Go Together?

by motherofwonder

Now I may have missed the actual time line to join in with all the bloggers that followed along with the 100 Way to be Kind To Your Children (from Toddler Approved!– who also happens to have totally awesome pinterest boards!). But does that mean it’s too late for me to work on being kind to my children? Absolutely. Not! Just in going through the list, I’ve found that not only will it be beneficial for my children, but it will be healthy for me too. It’s letting go of some of the pressure, some of the ideals… and just holding onto the fact that some days survival is good enough.

This weekend we will be creating like crazy! We are going completely organic (and homemade) in the cleaning products. I’ve made dishwasher detergent and laundry detergent before. (I liked the former but wasn’t impressed with the latter.) We use a homemade solution in our carpet cleaner. But as we continue on in our lives, trying to live with as much intention as we can… we came to the realization, did we really intend to put lots of chemicals on (and therefore into) our bodies, let alone our children’s? I think we all know the answer to that! So this weekend we will be traveling deeper down that path. Hubbyman made shampoo last weekend. He seems to like it. I’ll admit it does smell good. Hopefully I remember to charge up the camera so we can really document the process, as well as the outcome. An added benefit to making these things ourselves (other than the obvious health benefits)? Money. Pennies on the dollar, folks. Another benefit, you get to choose how they smell! Which for me and my smelly sensitivities is fantastic. My choices (of essential oils) lemon and tangerine. Together = heaven. Or pretty close to.

And since we’re on the topic, you might want to go ahead and read the 5 Grossest Things You’re Eating from the Supermarket. Or even better, The 15 Grossest Things You Eat. Might make you think twice. Or lots more. If you read those 2 alone, even without doing any further research, I don’t think you’ll ever question why we buy our beef from a family farm. Or why we buy organic milk. Or why we make just about everything from scratch. And why I like to can my foods myself.

On another note- I woke up thinking today was Thursday. So imagine my surprise (and delight) that today is, in fact, FRIDAY! (*insert a big WOHOO! here*)  And so… I’m going to start with my kindness, get my butt off of here, and make my kids clean their rooms! Hey, teaching them the importance of proper organization is showing them kindness, right? I like to think so!

*I am thankful for people I have never met, or have only met briefly. At least in person. I’m part of a MN Cloth Diapering Mamas group and they are so sweet (and just about the only group of mamas I have ever seen remain mama drama free. It’s refreshing!). And not only that, they have been willing to make donations to my brother & his expecting wife’s cloth diaper stash! Woohoo! It may not seem that exciting, but trust me when I tell you it is! And one of my absolute favorite diaper makers, Softbums (go ahead, like their facebook page too- tell them I sent you!), has offered to make a donation (in diapers)! This is incredibly amazing- and when I called my sister-in-law she definitely shared my excitment. (Plus, the softbum diaper style is her favorite. And out of the 2 diapers I got her for Christmas. One was a locally made by LetJoy Diapers (like her page while you’re at it too!), and the other was of course the adorable giraffe style Softbum. (I tried adding a picture, but for some reason, wordpress is not cooperating at the moment. Hopefully later I can add it in, because it is so cute that I really wanted to keep it for Littlest. Even though he has several softbum diapers himself, it’s the only print one that we don’t have!)

*I am thankful for girlfriends. With kids. Without kids. Girlfriends can be big lifesavers. And an evening with them can be so refreshing. Even without wine (last night it was *homemade* specialty lattes!). But let’s not kid ourselves, an evening with girlfriends and wine, well, only coffee can compete with that.

*I am thankful for children who love their mama. Possibly more than any other person in the world. (I say possibly, soley on the off chance hubbyman is reading this. I give them pretty  much all of my time and attention. And while Daddy is still their hero and the funnest of the fun, Mommy is the favorite.)

*I am thankful for children who are very independent. You know, for the most part. (And sometimes this backfires, like the other day when I caught Biggest teaching Miss who was teaching Littlest how to fly and be super heroes. Which, in reality, meant that they were wearing their hooded towels as capes while jumping off the top of the bunkbed to fly.) Remember this, closed doors = children up to no good.

*I am thankful that I enjoy cooking. Seriously, life would be a lot harder for this foodie family if that was not the case. Plus, my coffee wouldn’t have been quite as good without the homemade (yes, that’s right- you may now bow at my feet.), delicious donuts that I added a swipe of cream cheese frosting too. Yum.

*I am thankful to be married to a man who sees the big picture, even when I just want to focus on surviving the next ten minutes.

*I am thankful for any and every person who stops by, says hello, or just reads a line or two. I’m always surprised, humbled, and blessed by the people who (both in person and on-line) tell me they read what I write. And occasionally, they enjoy themselves. You are the people that keep me sane. (See, now I hooked you in- you can’t stop reading, or else I will lose my sanity. And then you’ll feel the guilt. Gotcha. I’m kidding. Mostly.)

Happy Day of Friday to You and Yours from Me and Mine!

Family Life According To Me Marriage Recipes Thankful Fridays Things Kids Say

1 Comment »
Feb 15

A New Kind of Love Day

by motherofwonder

Ok, so I intended to write a post for yesterday… but instead of writing about how much I love my husband, and my children- I spent time loving them. The kids and I spent the morning coloring and filling out and mailing Valentine’s (obviously we should have done this before the day, but what can you do?! Better late than never, right? I’m pretty sure the Grandma’s and Great Grandma’s will overlook the date when they open up the cards and coloring that are signed in the little one’s own hands.). We got a visit from my mom, enjoyed lunch with her, a quick stop in at my grandma’s and we were still able to beat Daddy home! (This was a major concern of the Biggest Boy- who loooves Valentine’s Day. In fact, this morning he asked Can today still be Valentine’s Day, puuhleeease? He will make some Hallmark Day loving girl very happy someday.) I was able to get the pizza dough made, the first round of personal (heart shaped) pizza dough cookin’ in the oven, and half of the chocolate-covered strawberries done before hubbyman walked in the door!   He helped top the pizzas (and by helped I mean he did all the topping stuff) while I dipped the strawberries, and then Miss E covered them in pink sprinkles. Big E covered them in blue. Our Valentine’s Day is all about getting along and loving each other, so we make blue a part of our Valentine’s. And hubbyman had brought home a free Valentine’s Day redbox movie (thank you facebook friends for sending me that!) for the kiddos to watch while we snuggled up on the couch with a glass of wine.

I was never really big into Valentine’s Day to begin with, and I think our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple is the only one we’ve ever done anything for. Usually we just make a nice dinner or something and then snuggle up. And by nice dinner, I mean homemade, heart-shaped pizzas. And I am totally ok with that. And holidays change as you have kids. Now it’s all about them and helping them find the joys in the little things. I love that my kids think Valentine’s Day is fun. We spent time making things for those we love, so they know they’re loved. Because let’s face it, it’s easy to lose sight of that from time to time. So it’s fun to give someone a reminder. And I believe that is the important lesson for the kids to learn. That we show our love to those we care about, that we show love to those we feel ambivalent about, that we show love to those we meet. Because we don’t know who they really are or what their lives are really like.

So maybe I didn’t get roses, and I didn’t get chocolates. But in all fairness, I requested he not spend the ridiculous amount on flowers this week, and he got me flowers twice in the last two weeks, just because he knew I was feeling sad. And, I don’t like chocolate. So he’s kind of off the hook on that one too. But I did have a terrific Valentine’s Day, celebrating the love that has turned two individuals into a family of five. And I hope you did too, no matter how you spent it.

Family Life According To Me Marriage Things Kids Say

1 Comment »
Feb 13

Embracing My Inner Foodie

by motherofwonder

So, the hubbyman and I have been talking. About living healthier, mainly, but that’s not just food, it’s a lifestyle. In fact, last night, he whipped up a batch of homemade shampoo. And has plans for soaps, lotions, and a plethora of other household essentials. Because just as we believe the foods we eat and put into our bodies are very important, we also believe that the things we put on our body are equally as important.  We’ve long been using cleaning products that are more organic, more environmentally friendly (both the earth’s environment and my children’s). But now we’re going the extra steps. My kids (unfortunately for them) come from grandparents (and me) on both sides that have a long list of allergies and sensitives, both for foods and products you use in the house or on your body. So that gives us the extra incentive to go as natural as possible. Plus, it’s pennies on the dollar when you make it from home. Who doesn’t like when an added bonus is less money?! So we’re jumping in!

We’re also planning a weekend on helping some friends with their cooking. I’m not sure if they’re hoping to go GF or just homemade, but I can help with both! This was prompted when I ran into our natural food store this weekend. I went in to grab some easy GF things to send with the big kids who were doing an overnight with their Aunt and Uncle (and their newborn baby goat). Turns out they were having an anniversary sale, and you could hardly walk through the aisles. It was a good sale and I grabbed a few things (like GF noodles for over 50% off! Yes, thank you!). As I was looking through the noodles, and grabbing a variety of them. A lady next to me was looking over all the boxes and bags and seemed a little lost. I must’ve been audibly excited when the vegetable noodles (you know, the colored spirals of red-tomatoes-, green-spinach, and plain- rice). Because she turned to me with big, help-me-I’m-lost eyes and asked, do your kids like those? I smiled and told her, yes, they really do. And they like the colors. And this is a really good deal on them. She nodded and looked back at all the noodles. Then she said, people told me that diet, and wheat really could make a difference in my son. I didn’t believe them, and just fed him what I wanted. And then I paid attention. And I could see the visible difference in his behavior when he ate wheat. And now I just feel so guilty that I didn’t make those changes earlier, and I have no idea where to start. She let a couple of tears escape and I just wanted to hug her! I told her my daughter has Celiac and we struggled for a year trying to find out what it was that she was intolerant of. (The longer she ate things with wheat- the more things she became intolerant of. Since going GF, we’ve been able to add the other things back in, without reactions.) She asked questions like, What can you make with the noodles? I laughed, even though I completely understood her feelings -and was there myself not so long ago-, but because I make everything we used to eat. Just a little different. And in quite a few cases, even better than it was before. I gave her some ideas, things I do for my kids that they like (and are quick and easy). And I told her that in times of babysitters, or when you just don’t have the time, they do have some things that are premade. So there are options. She heaved a big sigh and said, I came here to get noodles and things, I just didn’t know how lost I would be. Thank you so much. And it reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place. To share. To help. At the time I started it, I was getting lots of requests for GF meals and ideas, and how to go gluten free, and how to go more homemade. And how to do it all on a real-life, family-friendly budget.

Over the last few months, I’ve gotten away from that side of this blog. But I am hoping to pick up the slack, at least a bit. I’m by no means an expert and nothing near a GF Martha Stewart. But I am a mom, who’s in the throws of it all. So maybe we can commiserate. Maybe I’ll have some ideas for you. Maybe you’ll have some ideas for me! So if you have questions or ideas, please- pass them my way! Don’t worry, you’ll still be getting regular doses of my wonderful personality and thoughts, I’ll just be throwing in some foodie posts along the way!

Family Gluten Free Life According To Me Recipes

2 Comments »
Feb 10

Always, Always, Always

by motherofwonder

I read a post on facebook this morning that said: There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

(Credit: Just Feelin' Good on Facebook. Clicking the photo will bring you to it!)

While I am still struggling with some things, there (as always) are still things to be thankful for. And since it’s been a while since I’ve remembered to do a Thankful Friday post… I’m doin’ it today! Some of these things have happened and some are happening this weekend… I’m thankful just knowing some of the things we’ve got comming up!

  • I am thankful for a day to celebrate my wonderful hubbyman (yesterday was his 30th!)!
  • A brother (and sister-in-law) that want to spend time with the people who’ve made them aunts and uncles. And requesting an overnight with them!
  • And parents willing to take Littlest for an overnight!
  • That Littlest doesn’t mind and actually enjoys being the only one and getting all the attention!
  • A whole afternoon, evening, night, and morning without children!!
  • A night out with friends!
  • That I’m feeling a little more like myself
  • That I’m giving myself permission to feel however I feel, for however long I feel like it
  • That I already miss my children (yes, I really am thankful for that. It’s a wonderful reminder of how much I love them, even when they’re driving me a little batty.)
  • For family and friends ready and willing to give me their support
  • For a very supportive husband (x a million!)
  • For children who are so aware of my feelings, and are always willing to give extra hugs and kisses when they think I need it
  • For my children.
  • For my children.
  • For my children.
  • For Biggest
  • For Miss
  • For Littlest
  • Repeat x a million

Now, this doesn’t really go in line with my  normal Thankful Fridays (but I am thankful to have people in my personal life, and in my blogosphere life that are supportive and caring in my own mental health!), but a couple weeks ago it was Mental Health Awareness week, and it went by without my notice, so I am posting this photo now, because it’s good to be aware of it any time of the year!

(Credit: facebook group I Jump, You Jump. Clicking on the photo will bring you to the original link.)

Family Life According To Me Marriage Thankful Fridays

1 Comment »
Feb 9

Simply Crafty

by motherofwonder

What do you do when you don’t feel like doing the things you should do? Yesterday, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed. And I just didn’t have it in me to do anything. So I decided to do the one thing that was sure to make the day go quickly and be filled with smiles and laughter. Crafts. Messy, funny, make the kitchen a distaster crafts. I’d found a bunch of things I wanted to try for Valentine’s Day, as well as hubbyman’s birthday (tomorrow! And today is his last day in his 20’s, so tomorrow’s a big day!)… so I got out the paints. I made a tablecloth out of newspapers and got out the poster board. Projects I wanted to try didn’t turn out quite as I anticipated, but an accidental one turned out so great I plan to frame them!

Here’s one I wanted to make for Grandparents:

(clicking the photo will bring you to its origin. All credit goes to meetthedubiens.com)

Looks easy and cute, right? Just put some finger paint on their arm and hand, and use their fingers to make the hearts…

As you can see, it didn’t turn out exactly like my muse. Turns out it’s a little hard to get the 3 and under crown to get their little fingers to fully cooperate in the heart making.

But, doing these did lead me to something I thought was cool, and repeat-worthy, even if it was on accident.

I am totally going to frame one from each of the kids. I had them each do three or four so that we’d get lots of good choices. Littlest probably had to do ten before I could get him to stop trying to grab the paper when I’d take his hand off. It started as an accident when I was trying to make the Valentine’s trees, and they’d gotten another color of paint on his hand and on the plate that I’d squirted the finger paint onto. And the result was so cool, it demanded repeats. I had red, yellow, green, and blue tubes of finger paint. I simply squirt a small amount of each onto a paper plate, stick in the kid’s arm, rub around a bit, followed by the attached hand… and put it to paper. And frame. And look upon with fondness for years to come, Easy peasy. (while children point it out to their friends saying, Parents get attached to/save the weirdest crap.)

These were inspired by the fact we were already covered in paint from painting a poster board Birthday Card for the hubbyman. Today he turns 30 and may be mourning his youth. I think the fact that he still has great hair evens things out. Either way, we love him and wish him the happiest of birthdays! (If you visit my facebook page you can see their sweet/funny birthday video for their daddy.)

Family Impressively Simple Life According To Me Things Kids Say

3 Comments »
Feb 7

Live To Love Another Day

by motherofwonder

I opened this tab and sat here and stared at the blank screen, willing thoughts and words to come. I stared at the screen some more. I opened another tab. I checked my facebook notifications. Nothing terribly interesting there. Although, it turns out, I am not alone in my enjoyment of the combination of red wine and snickerdoodles. But maybe that’s because they didn’t know that was my dinner. Whoops. (I don’t care.) It turns out, that the emotions I’m feeling, that I’ve been feeling, they’re not fleeting. Apparently I have to deal with them or something lame like that. I spent the majority of the day in tears.

Now I know that I talk of my love of wine and it’s powerful healing and relaxing properties, but the truth is… I’m not a big drinker. I don’t need a glass a day; I don’t even want a glass a day. I certainly enjoy a good glass of wine (my father in law just made a new batch of plum port, and wow, is that good!), but it’s just more of a eh, if it’s here I’d have some, maybe. Unless I have an already cold can of Pepsi, because more likely that yells my name a little louder. And I kind of have a “rule” that I don’t drink before hubbyman gets home. It’s not really a rule, and truthfully, hubbyman wouldn’t care. I just don’t feel like it (I’m still pumping myself full of caffeine to survive until he gets home, I don’t need anything that makes me more tired!), plus I feel like it can be a slippery slope once you go there. However, there have been days when things have happened or bad moods have occured and I’ve texted the hubbyman to say Is it too early to start drinking? To which he always responds, Nope. And then he gets home and finds that I never even poured myself a glass of anything. Or if I did, it just sat there on the counter. Well, yesterday, I poured myself a glass of wine. And while I only had a couple of sips by the time hubby came home, he took one look at the wine on the counter, and immediately looked at me, and asked what was wrong. I shrugged and shook my head. He immediately came over and gave me a hug, and said, last night you cried and today you’re drinking wine… what’s going on? And I couldn’t even respond. The emotions were too fresh, the pain too real. And then he quietly said, You want another baby. And I just cried. I know, we have three children and our oldest is only 5. We are crazy, busy. But I love it. And I love them. And I am not saying that we would actually have another baby, but I would love another one. But that is not an option. And it’s not a choice I get to make.

While I was terribly disappointed that hubbyman had to drop the kids back off after Tae Kwon Do to head back in to work, I was very surprised to see him return with roses, for me. For the second time in a week! (This is unheard of in our household! Truly, unheard of! I asked if this was his way of getting out of paying the higher prices for flowers when it’s Valentine’s Day. He claims he didn’t think about that until after he bought them. I think I believe him.) I’m sure at some point, we’ll probably talk, with words. But for now, the support of him just holding me, of just acknowledging why I’m sad, and showing his love and concern. That’s pretty powerful. The truth is, I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about it. It’s one thing to type it out, but it’s another thing completely to use my own voice, to have to hear those words. I woke up today, and felt…exhausted. Emotionally spent. I’m hoping it’s a step in the right direction, at least.

In the midst of all my grey skies, I am still surrounded by the humor and excitement that is my children. I wish I could have gotten it on video, but I forgot my camera at home… during Madonna’s halftime performance, my MissE (who loves all things dance and singing) was glued to the TV. When the cheerleading part came on, she stood directly in front of the TV, mimicking their moves and even singing along. (And I promise she has never heard that song before.) It was hilarious and amazing all at once. And further proof that we need to get her tiny little behind in a dance class.

And my oldest just informed that I am making him freak out due to how much annoying I’m being… on that note, I think I have some children to annoy, I mean play with.

my dinner... Red Wine and Snickerdoodles

Family Life According To Me Marriage Things Kids Say

7 Comments »
Feb 6

Good (a)n(d) Sad

by motherofwonder

I  have a confession to make… everyone I know seems to be pregnant. Or has someone under one in their house. Or talks about wanting to be pregnant. And I’ll admit, with my biggest boy reaching school age years, I’ve had thoughts of how fast they’ve grown and how soon Littlest will leave the Toddler-Baby years, and be a full fledged Toddler-Boy. And gone will be the days of babies in my house and in my arms. No tears had been shed, just a heart, hanging a little heavier. And then yesterday happened. I was way overtired, and the kids were way over-wired. Not a good combination. On the way home, hubbyman and I were talking about people who can’t put aside their own feelings to be happy for other people. Or something along those lines. And I said something about how much time had gone by and moving on in life, and he countered with, I can see you feeling that way. And at first, I was annoyed, because he was wrong. I would never display my emotions so publicly, especially in a way that would take away some of anyone’s happiness. But that’s me, and we all feel differently and express ourselves differently. And I had no right to judge someone for their feelings. (And if I’m really honest, I’ll own that I feel a little guilty about my judgmental thoughts.) After being annoyed for him being wrong, then I just felt sad about him being right. I still hold to the fact that I would not have behaved in the same manner, but he is right in the fact that I would have felt the same way; I just wouldn’t have shown it. But that’s because it’s not my way. My way is passive, my way is to hide and continue on. My way is probably not healthy. Even writing this, I find myself, opening new tabs and looking over things to organize closets on pinterest. And a fabulous sweatshirt that not only would keep me warm, but actually looks cute and not just another jeans and oversized sweatshirt outfit. Because those things are easy and feeling things are hard. And if I’m really honest, I’m afraid once I start feeling things, I won’t know how to stop.

And that’s precisely what happened.  I started thinking about why the evening’s incident had rattled me, and what I found surprised me. I expected sadness, but I had not anticipated all the anger. As I think happy thoughts of my friends and family that are carrying their growing babies in their growing bellies (my sister in law is looking so cute as her baby belly is growing and becoming more pronounced and I cannot wait to see my friend as her belly grows as well!), I cannot help but feel a bit… of everything. I feel nostalgic thinking of when I had my biggest boy in my belly, I feel sadness when I think about the baby I did not get to meet, I feel happy when I think of how much I enjoyed my growing belly (even thought I felt miserable) with my girl, I feel anxious when I think about how scared I was during littlest’s pregnancy. And then it finally hits me. I feel angry that I will never experience any of that again. Maybe a better choice of words is that I feel angry that I cannot experience those things again. Maybe explanations are necessary, but just to clear up any misgivings (and should hubbyman happen to be reading this), I am not angry with him. This is not about him being happy with our three, or the fact that he had a vasectomy. This is about the fact that I had that choice taken from me, by a Dr. who was more worried about being able to make his other patients’ birth than the care I was receiving. Is it possible I could carry to term, well, I am the first to admit that miracles happen. But the more likely outcome is that I would lose another pregnancy; I would lose another baby. And I know that enduring another miscarriage would be more than I could handle as I cannot imagine a day where I wouldn’t give everything just to see and hold the baby I never got to know, just for a day, an hour, even just one minute.

I knew these feelings would come. I knew that one day Littlest would be grown enough that I would start to miss the days of newborn things. I knew that one day I would have to face the fact that I cannot carry anymore children, no matter if I were planning on more or not. I knew one day I feel the feelings I am feeling now. Anger, loss, sadness, and more anger. I’ve only allowed myself to think of it as our choice until this point. But now that I’ve gone there, I’m having a hard time gaining my control back. All I can think of is the emotions of getting to tell the people you love that you’re adding another person to the group, the look on hubbyman’s face the first time he feels the baby kick, the look on his face the first time he holds his babies, the first cries, the first kisses, the first hugs. I look at my three sweet babies and it’s not that they are not enough, it is that they are so overwhelmingly wonderful that I can’t help but imagine it would be that way with any number of children we should have. It’s the knowledge of how it could be. And the knowledge of how it can’t. And I didn’t get to make that decision.

I don’t know how to get past that. I don’t know if it’s something I can get past. But when Littlest woke up in the middle of the night, I brought him into bed with me, cuddled him close and whispered sincere prayers of thankfulness. It’s not fair that I don’t get to choose. It’s not. It’s not fair that I have one baby who’ll remain in my heart, but never in my arms. But was it fair that despite all the medical failings, along with my own body, that my littlest boy is here, alive, and so healthy? I don’t know about its fairness, but miraculous, yes, it is that. My boy who they didn’t pay the proper attention to (multiple medical professionals knew that he was not growing properly and that his cord wasn’t inserted by much and yet no information was shared with me, nor was complete bedrest mandated as it should have been, among many other things that accured before and after his birth), my boy that my body couldn’t provide for (his cord wasn’t inserted at all and my placenta was crumbling), my boy that has his sweet, soft, chubby little cheek nestled in my neck. His birth ended in the ending of birthing for me, and obviously I would never trade that for his sweet self. So maybe that’s how I get past it. Maybe that’s what gets me through the anger. I’m still sad. And I still think it’s unfair. But I am thankful that I have my boy out of that whole awful situation. And maybe that is what will get me through. That and probably a few glasses of good wine.

(To read more on the birth of my miraculous Littlest man, go here.)

Family Life According To Me Marriage

10 Comments »
Feb 3

Who’s The Woman In My Mirror?

by motherofwonder

What is it about a new haircut and/or a new color that can make such a difference in the way you feel, and more importantly, the way you feel about yourself? But it does. That is just a fact. Let’s face it, a bad haircut, or a color that does not go with your skintone, can make you camp out indoors for weeks. And that’s what it does to an extrovert, imagine how long it would take an introvert to get out of the house? I’ll tell you, it takes me a looong time. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened very often and it’s been a long time since the last time. But there was a week in college where I refused to take my hat off in any of my classes due to my hair randomly deciding to go tomato red instead of darker brown. Let’s just say, while my sweet Miss E is beautiful with her red-hue, her mama was not meant to rock it. Thankfully, I have a hair magician in the family. Which means, that I occasionally I get a phone call to be a human prop. The amazing Jon English salon downtown Minneapolis likes to keep their stylists on their toes and demands perfection. So one brother gets a playday with the little ones, while I get a day out to get all done up. A fantastic haircut and color later… I love it.

There’s just one problem. You see, people often question my age, and are surprised to learn my age (and how many children I have, or how long I’ve been married). I even got asked who was older of my siblings. And if my pretty boy brother was my twin. Most people think I’m in my early 20s. Therein lies the problem. I think everyone I talk to may be gone on a drinking binge. It’s the only explanation I can come up with. Because when I look in the mirror, I do not see the 21 year old version of me. And unfortunately, that’s what I seem to expect. Every morning I get up and go brush my teeth. And no matter how many time I’ve tried to warn myself not to do this, I inevitably look in the mirror. And somehow, I see someone who looks all of my just-under 30 years, I see a mother of three, a wife of going on 8 years. I do not know where this 21 one year old is hiding, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in my face. And as I look the rest of myself over, I’m pretty sure it’s not there either.

So what exactly do I see? Well, if I’m honest I’ll tell you, it depends on how much sleep I’ve gotten. Thankfully, there’s only been one morning where I looked in the mirror and was truly horrified. This was after a week of baby not sleeping, followed by a weekend where it was just me and the kids (which of course equals even less sleep). I mean, I’ve been sick enough where I looked like death warmed over, but I had never seen myself look so… old, and worn. It was seriously frightening. Thankfully, I haven’t seen whoever she was since then. And I’m hoping she never comes back. Does this all sound a little too aesthetic? I agree. And I don’t usually think that way, or even about it. I am not the girl who gets up hours before leaving the house, so I can be sure to have the perfect outfit, and my hair curled/straightened, and my makeup done. In fact,  I keep my makeup in my purse, because the only time I put any on, is if we’re heading somewhere and hubbyman is driving. Otherwise, I never have the time. Or the care. I am who I am, and I look how I look.

And really, to think back on that 21-year-old girl… it’s a little sad. Right before getting married, I was a little lost, and a lot unhappy. And really, and I mean really, if I have to choose that life (filled with tiny jean sizes, no signs of wrinkles to come, and heartbreak) or this one (filled with being healthy -living healthy, eating healthy, and not weight obsessed-, seeing signs of *crinkles* to come from days filled with laughter, and happiness beyond my wildest dreams)… I think we all know what I’d pick. Obviously, the tiny jeans. Ok, ok, I choose today. I choose a life with my husband who supports me and tells me I am beautiful (and always will be- read this). I choose a life with my wild, funny, snuggley little loves. I choose a life that includes jeans that fit me. (And are defiantly NOT mom jeans!) And a rockin’ new haircut and color.

Huh, this isn’t exactly the post I thought I’d be writing, but, it is what it is. And exactly how did my reflection go from someone who looks like she should be the babysitter to looking like she’s gotta be the mom? Maybe it’s the coffee stains, or the milk on my shirt, or the nutella… geez, I hope that’s nutella…

Life According To Me

Leave a comment »
«Older Entries
Newer Entries »
Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.