My Oldest E witnessed his mama shedding a few tears yesterday and it really upset him. He told me, “Knock it off. Mommies don’t cry. Only babies do.” Which of course really makes me want to cry even more, because where is that coming from?! I wouldn’t say that to him! Right now there are just some things going on in the lives of people I love that is leaving my heart in chaos. By nature I am a caretaker. While I know we all have choices and blah-blah-blah…but it is who I am. Forcing myself to not be a caretaker or mother hen, that just doesn’t feel natural to me. When you mix my caretaker attitude with my overly empathetic heart… you get tears. I am someone that cannot help but feel what you’re feeling. If I love you, your hurts become my heart’s hurts. That’s just the way I am. It’s a good quality to have a in a friend, but sometimes I have a hard time retaining my balance while working my way through other people’s problems, without making them my own. It’s a strange contradiction.
I will give you everything I have, but I have a very hard time asking for help when I need it. And there are days when I really need it. For reasons both big and small, whether it’s because i was up all night with a teething baby and am having a hard time showing patience with my children who did get a full night of sleep, or something is going on or has happened within my family that has left me with a heart that is aching… but I tend to internalize and leave my needs out. Not only is this not fair to myself (Because it’s not! And really aren’t we all deserving of some care?), but it’s also not fair to my husband who I usually end up dumping on when I can’t take anymore (even though he offers to listen or help along the way, I just can’t accept it until I’m in meltdown mode). Or my sweet babies who wake up with so many hugs and kisses in the morning that I have to pry them off of me, usually with an eye roll and a sigh because I’m more invested in whatever else is going on than in the fact that in a few years from now, they will be the ones prying me off with an eye roll and a sigh.
This morning I feel like I’m so far down my rope that I’m hanging on to threads. So I’m doing what I should always do, for my family and my friends’ sake as much as my own- I’m owning it. I’m acknowledged that today, I am struggling. And today, I will take the help that I am offered. The kind words, the hugs, the prayers, the glass of wine… I need it, and I’ll take it!I’m admitting that I do not have it all together and today I cannot even attempt to pretend that I do.
But maybe, the strength I’ll gain from leaning on those that love me, will be enough that when they are in my shoes, I can give them that support back. Whether it’s one really big thing or a million little things that maybe seemed inconsequential at the time- whatever reason it is, if you feel like you are at the end of your rope- reach out, because it’s very likely someone next to you has a much longer rope.
A squishy little ball of feel-better-ness
laborofwonder 
You can have some of my rope, though, at such a great distance, all it really consists of is encouraging words, a smile which you cannot see, a hug which you cannot feel, and prayers. Hopefully it will help 🙂
“sometimes I have a hard time retaining my balance while working my way through other people’s problems”
this is me, so much. its good to know there are others out there 🙂