laborofwonder

Where Whine Meets Wine

The Nonjudgmental Mom

on May 3, 2011

So as I said in one of my most recent posts, these weeks are crazy. My brother in law and his family are in town and my brother is getting married in a week and a half! So lots of fun, lots of family, and not a lot of sleep is happening in my neck of the woods. Plus on Saturday, my computer decided to fritz out on me. Which is not a good thing. So while I have, of course, had life changing information to send out to the universe…my computer has had other ideas.

With family in town, every night feels like Friday night. The food, the laughter, and the lack of sleep! My poor hubbyman; I keep forgetting that he still has to get up and go to work, despite the Friday-feeling going on in our household. Something happens when I get less sleep than normal. Other than the doubled coffee intake. I sleep less. Sounds obvious, but even when I do get to bed, I am so overtired that I lie here continuing to think. About the day, about family, blog posts, life… I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

With the extra nephew in the house, it’s fun to watch the kids’ interactions with each other; to see their similarities and their differences. Sometimes I think it’s so easy to get caught up in our own lives that we fail to see the big picture. Parenting is no exception. While we (most of us) strive to be the best parents we can be, and usually acknowledge that we (most of us) are trying our best… sometimes it’s easy to pick on others. And while I have posted about some of the situations when I have felt “picked on”- today I have another side to tell. Sometimes I do it too. (Shh!) Now I don’t do it as vocally as others may do it, it’s mainly an internal dialog I have going on, only occasionally shared with my husband at the end of the day. But tonight I lie here wondering, is that really any better?? Sure, on some levels it is, but really… if I’m equally as judgmental, if even in my mind, am I any better? The answer is as simple and as complicated as this= no, I am not any better.

My daughter is ever inch of her father. Both in looks, and in attitude. And I do not mean that as an insult. What I do mean by it is this: she is fiercely independent and responds only in logic that can truly be rationalized. And she’s only two. Saying something as generic as “because I said so,” will never fly with this one. And where Biggest E would respond to my emotions, it is lost on Miss E, as it is on her father. (Which has been totally eye-opening for her father to see how he was probably much as he is now, even as a child.) That being said, she can be seen as a handful. Because it is not often easy to rationalize with a 2 year old. If you can give her an answer or a reason that her mind can be wrapped around, she will comply, if not…. there is no changing her mind. And I truly mean, no matter what. I can see how some may look at some of my talks with her and wonder about my parenting, and my daughter…asking who’s really the boss. But it’s not so much about me being the boss of her as it is me learning to relate to how she learns…and facilitating that as much as possible. Don’t misunderstand this, this does not mean that she is the boss, undisciplined, or anything else along those lines. What it does mean is that I am relating to her (or try my best to!) in a way that she can understand and helping her learn in a way that will actually help her to learn lessons. What if someone overheard my daughter saying something like, “I don’t want you to say that, you said the wrong thing.” (Which is actually something I’ve heard her say…repeatedly.) And then was overheard responding with, “Sometimes I may say things that you don’t like, and that’s ok, you don’t have to like it. But you do have to listen to what I say.”  Which is undoubtabley followed by, “I don’t want to listen when you say the wrong thing.”  Do any of us like to listen when someone is telling us something we don’t want to hear?! No, we don’t. And at 2 you are probably never more aware of this fact.

I admit it, I have judged a mom based on what she did or didn’t say/do in response to a child’s words, but that’s not exactly fair. We don’t know the day they’ve had, or what the days previous have been like. We also know nothing about this child or this mother. For all we know the child is very sweet and kind but today missed a nap that they take at least 6 days a week, or they’ve been carted around all day and have been well behaved through six different stores and three different dressing rooms. And what about the mom? Maybe she’s had a rough day as well, or week, or marriage, or life… maybe she’s willing to let one thing slide today and you just happened to witness that one thing. No, this of course, isn’t always the case…but it could be. Why must we always one up the other moms we come in contact with? I don’t like it done to me, why would I continue doing so to others, even if only in my head? I don’t have the answers to this, but it does seem to me that women, in general, are constantly seeking validation in their lives, no matter what the situation/choice may be. So today, I’m giving you- women, men, young, old, married, single, parents, not parents, tired, wired… I’m giving you a free pass. Be you and I will not judge. I have been judged and know the sting that carries, and I will be actively attempting to abstain from furthering the cycle. I cannot promise that I will always be so conscious of my judgments, all I can promise you is today… and hope for tomorrow.

I don’t want to ramble too much, as sleep deprivation can leave me likely to do, I just want to end on this note… I also hope some of you will be trying not to judge me as well, because I’m running on little sleep, 3 small children who are just getting over colds, with a house full of company…and tomorrow I may need some grace, and multiple cups of coffee.

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One response to “The Nonjudgmental Mom

  1. Mom says:

    I’m hoping this weekend you guys can rest, relax and have some fun!

    I know it’s be extra-ordinarily busy for you all 🙂

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