So, it’s been five years… ok, so it hasn’t, but it has been an insanely long amount of time since the last time I posted. Not for lack of want, or of things to say, but…time, energy, and sleep. That and this (never ending) winter has left me with a mean streak. I’m tired of being housebound. I’m tired of only getting out to go to the grocery store. I’m tired of the kids bouncing off the walls because they too are tired of being stuck inside. It has been an incredibly long winter. We’re now mid-March and we’ve got some major snow outside…and it just keeps coming!
Did I mention that in the middle of this awesome snowed-in-ness, I broke a bone in my wrist and had to have it casted? So a week of a temporary cast, a month of a permanent cast, and now another month of a hard, plastic, extremely uncomfortable (but, thankfully, removable) splint that zips up (but it so tight that I cannot zip or unzip it myself. Also taking it off is murder. It’s ridiculous.) for another month. I’m sure at that point they’ll move me to a less restrictive splint…. Did I mention there’s still tons of snow outside? Like so much you’re not supposed to drive on the roads? That’s happened like three times in the last couple of weeks.
And don’t even get me started on homeschooling. I swear this child is out to see if my eyes are capable of actually rolling into the back of my head. Some days, it’s a breeze. He’s focused and attentive, and it makes me forget why I was so frustrated with him the day before. And then there are days that he will not sound out a word to save his little life. Especially the days when (it feels like) his life depends on it. Ok, so his life never actually depends on his ability to sound out, “Jan pats a cat.” But sometimes the survival of my sanity does.
There are days when I totally feel like I’m on top of it all. When things just seem to fall into place and I even impress myself with my mothering and homemaking. I cook homemade meals every single day. I keep up with the laundry. I keep the house in order. I keep the children washed, fed, and clothed (or at least as much as possible). I am teaching Littlest to count and his ABCs, I am teaching Miss to write her letters and know their matching sounds, I am teaching Biggest to read, to do math, to be a “big boy.” I feel like any one of these things could constitute a full time job, so why is it that even when I’m doing all of the above, I still feel like I’m failing?
Parenting is hard work. Being a SAHM (Stay at home mom) is hard, being a working mom is hard, being a WAHM (work at home mom) is hard. It’s all just hard. And there’s always so much pressure. Pressure to make the right choices, pressure to say the right things, pressure to keep their bellies full and their minds active. There’s always the mom who seems to have it all together and makes everything look so easy that we all love to hate. And then there’s the mom who’s house is always a mess, kids are a mess, and you can’t help thinking there must be a class to enroll her in; let’s face it, we love to judge her. Or maybe just use her to feel better about ourselves.
I feel like everything is a catch 22. I stay up all night cleaning so that I don’t miss out on our daily interactions because I’m so obsessed with it…and then I’m so cranky and tired the next day that our interactions are anything but meaningful. I spend all day playing and crafting with the kids, and I’m left with a house so disorderly that it makes my head spin. Where is the happy medium? Does anyone else feel lost in the middle of it all, or is it just me? Please, tell me it’s not just me!
It has been a very long winter. I have found myself yelling at my children, and I may have threatened my son with having to attend public school if he doesn’t say a word right. (Not my proudest moment, to be sure.) I think I’m just feeling isolated, and frustrated with the feeling of being stuck. Stuck inside, stuck in a cast, stuck in a rut. And I don’t like it, not one bit. Anyone have any great survival tips?